Let’s have a lunch and learn!
Any mention of “family” and I’m out. You aren’t my fucking family. I barely tolerate any of you, and I only go that far because I am forced to participate in this bullshit just so I can feed and shelter myself. Just give me my project, shut your dick sheath, and let me grind my life away in silence.
On a totally unrelated note, “team player”.
I can’t read this shit on the weekend you guys are killing me :p
How dare you not overachieve for your corporate overlords!
Dance, monkey, dance!
“pAiN pOiNtS”
these are not knots in muscles they are severe institutional shortcomings and failings that are draining us all, making us want to jump ship, hazardous, and in some cases even making the company lose profit but you fuckheads just want to write down pAiN pOiNtS and jerk yourselves and the shareholders off instead of actually doing ANYTHING MEANINGFUL
“going forward.”
Yeah, “from now on” worked fine there Phill.
Any talk of “we” from the boss really means “you”. It’s exceptionally maddening when the boss is already a POS who has an A+ for delegation but F- for teamwork and care factor.
Here at Lemmy, we are steadfastly committed to leveraging our core competencies in order to drive strategic alignment across all functional units. Our focus remains unwavering on fostering a culture of continuous innovation and optimizing synergies that propel us towards achieving scalable growth and value creation for our stakeholders. By embracing agile methodologies and harnessing cutting-edge technologies, we endeavor to stay ahead of the curve, ensuring robust ROI while maintaining unparalleled customer-centricity in every facet of our operations.
Should you have any further inquiries or require additional insights into our visionary pursuits, please do not hesitate to connect with us. Together, let’s pioneer new paradigms and redefine excellence!
Congratulations, you win both this thread and my disgust. This is literally every company in software development these days.
I still hate “leverage” used as a synonym for “use.” “We leverage technologies” yeah sure, when was the last time you had your asshole leveraged?
Next biz bro bestseller: “Leverage the power of your bowels to produce fertiliser that promotes growth”
Place I worked at some time ago made a big speech and unveiled the following company motto to a lot of confused faces: “Engagement makes awareness sustainable.”
Nice. I’ll drive alignment on this value with my directs. I’ll status you tomorrow.
Lessons learned
That they treat you like “family”
They do, the family just happens to be dysfunctional and abusive.
“double click” to mean “focus on” or “explore in more depth”
This one comes from Excels Pivot tables, where you double click to see the source data, but it got picked up and bastardized
Given the ubiquity of double clicking, I imagine it has many origins.
Typical double click request is as follows:
Manager: Leadership wants a “double click” on the numbers on slide 8. Doer: What do they want to see. M: Well they wanted to see more about the numbers on slide 8 they thought it was interesting. D: What number? Interesting how? M: They want a double click? Does that work? How long will that take? D: ummm a week?
Sorry, I run KDE.
It always sounds so deliberate.
It just sounds forced to me.
It’s never said by people who created this slang as kids growing up with computers, it’s like managers who just invented it in their 40somethings.
Like they’re trying to be cool, but it’s just not cool
Wow, lots of “double clicks”, which is fairly new to the usual list.
Because it’s new and awful. Also implies that these massive new work is just a simple tasks. 0/10
“We’re family”
I fell for this once. Thought it sounded great. Everyone at that place hated each other, constantly spread rumors and sabotaged each other’s work.
Unrelated but I only recently realised that when someone says they believe in family values it means they want to impose their definition of “family” on everyone else.
From an employer I guess when they refer to family they’re really referring to a bond beyond work, which basically means they’re expecting more from you than you’re paid for?
I’ve found from employers it tends to mean “we should be valued and given time at least on par, but we’ll push for more, than your actual family. Work will call you at any time of day or night and you should be ready to drop everything and get in on no notice.”
#1 toxic workplace red flag
Alright, team, let’s circle back and ensure we’re fully aligned on our north star objectives. We need to leverage synergy, engage in blue-sky thinking, and touch base on our pain points to drive mission-critical outcomes. But let’s not boil the ocean with unnecessary jargon - at the end of the day, we need to optimize our bandwidth for real, value-driven impact. If we keep moving the needle with this kind of thought leadership theater, we risk losing sight of our core competencies and drowning in a sea of meaningless buzzwords. Let’s pivot toward clear, actionable insights and sunset the overuse of strategic messaging before it becomes a blocker to true innovation. Instead of just playing the fast-follow game with every trending framework, let’s focus on original, high-impact execution that actually drives results.
Thoughts?Chris, do you have any builds?No?
Good. Then let’s action this and drive it across the finish line!
How do I delete someone else’s comment.
Thank you for reaching out. After a strategic review of available pathways, we regret to inform you that the requested course of action is not viable.
Jesus fucking Christ. This was excellently written and horribly real.
Other than the lack of a “shift left” it’s just about perfect.
What’s shift left
There was a website at some point that would put up themed meeting phrases each week, with points if anyone used them and caught it. I still remember a few of them.
“I don’t want a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, I expect a pot of uranium.”
“We either play barbie or go home. I didn’t get come here today to be Skipper.”
“I don’t say we build a barbie dream house, I want use to build a barbie on ecstasy house.”
“Is this a queen alien problem? Or more of a face hugger we can ignore for a while?”
I want this to still exist
Sounds like AI slop finally found a good use.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Thanks. It hit close to home. I hate it.
Perfect except for ‘Thoughts?’ Instead of that it should be an appeal to the speaker’s boss: ‘Chris, do you have any builds?’
Done. 😁
Lol
