Showing genuine interest and caring about another person may get you a partner, who’d have thought it ~
“My girlfriend is also my best friend” is a thing you see often in healthy relationships.
I never understood the whole aversion to “the friend zone.” Like, isn’t that exactly what you need to be first before you can build a romance on top?
When you’re transitioning between pre-teen and teenager, and the hormones are hitting hard, kids often have a hard time processing unrequited affection
That, and I think a lot of people confuse sexual attraction with love. The “friendzone” only exists when you end up in the mental gap between “I want to have sex with this person, but don’t care about them as a person” and “I want to have sex with this person, therefore I must care about them as a person.” Normal consenting adults can meet someone, vibe, and engage in sexual behavior without necessarily more. Normal consenting adults can also meet someone, not vibe, and be fine, if not a little disappointed. Normal consenting adults can also meet someone, vibe, and explore a romantic connection beyond sexual activity. Once you understand that sexual desire is not romantic desire, and that romantic desire is actually really unfulfilling if not reciprocated, you’re usually good.
The “friendzone” only exists when you end up in the mental gap between “I want to have sex with this person, but don’t care about them as a person” and “I want to have sex with this person, therefore I must care about them as a person.”
I think there’s definitely some confusion and frustration that comes from people who see their peers hooking up, but can’t figure out what transitions them from a friendship to a romantic relationship. Add to this, a certain low-key distrust cultivated by social media, wherein one person may assume they are getting strung along while the other isn’t willing/able to clearly signal their intentions.
Normal consenting adults can meet someone, vibe, and engage in sexual behavior without necessarily more.
Well… sometimes. The term “getting lucky” is apt, as there are so many variables - some totally beyond either of the participants’ control - that can determine whether or not the magic happens.
Once you understand that sexual desire is not romantic desire, and that romantic desire is actually really unfulfilling if not reciprocated, you’re usually good.
No. You’re “good” when you’ve found a person for whom you can reciprocate romantic love. Just understanding the difference isn’t fulfilling so much as it is enlightening. But it’s like hanging a steak over the head of a hungry dog. One dog heedlessly leaping at it isn’t more or less fulfilled than another who has come to the realization it is forever out of reach.
Yeah that’s called vibing. And nah you’re good lol, no one deserves a relationship. There are complete assholes that understand what I’ve said and don’t have a partner; I’d say they’re good. Being unfulfilled is part of life, and any adult is well aware of that, and is good regardless.
no one deserves a relationship
Alienation drives people nuts. Idk about “deserves”, but everyone ultimately needs them to function normally. Folks who are shut up and hooked into the YouTube Vomit Cannon or the Twitter Racism Space to get all their socializing are the ones that burn out, melt down, or become Elon Musk.
Being unfulfilled is part of life, and any adult is well aware of that, and is good regardless.
Being unfulfilled creates motivation to change oneself. But being trapped in a sense of unfulfillment is toxic to the point of madness. If you’ve got no release for your anxiety or depression, you turn inward in a way that can get very dark over time.
Showing genuine interest in dick picks and caring about the other person getting off has been working wonders on Grindr
The real answer is that only works sometimes. Different girls like different things, and no matter how hot or nice or cool or rich you are, some girls will just not be into you. Women are individuals, it’s not a hard concept.
i just wish more would actually say no instead of saying “thanks” or something neutral like that
i can take rejection but thanks comes off like “eh. maybe, but you seem kind of lame/weird”, which in my head becomes a challenge to show them your not lame. which is a thin line between trying to convince them to give you a shot vs being pushy/creepy, if that thanks was meant as a “no thanks”.
as an autist, it frustrates me when people don’t just say what they mean.
I get it though, even if only 1% of men react violently to direct rejection, it makes sense to be careful. Not a lottery you want to play.
So much of dating dynamic feels like it’s just been ruined by a few assholes, and the internet giving those assholes more reach only exacerbates it.
I don’t think its just a few assholes. Men react badly to rejection REGULARLY, to the point that every woman I know has been threatened or screamed at by men they have rejected kindly. I’ve even witnessed it happen on several occasions with strangers and to my friends and have had to step in. And not just a few times, like I can think of ten times at least where I’ve had to involve myself when seeing something like that happen.
With the amount of random attention from men women get, the rate doesn’t have to be very high for it to be regular, particularly when you add selection bias that people who react like that are probably more likely to approach someone in the first place.
And while I would agree it’s probably higher than 1%, 1% really sounds lower than it is - that would be 40 million people globally. If it’s 5% it’s 200 million and there are still almost 4 billion that are completely normal.
The sad reality is that it just doesn’t take high numbers for that kind of experience to be a regular occurence.
Hell, even in healthy relationships. I noticed my husbands mental health was getting rough, so I tried to bring it up. He got so defensive so fast, tried to flip it on me when he got panicky.
We talked that incident out, but people seem to generally just get defensive about sensitive things all the time, like reflexively. Unless you’ve done extensive inner work, it’s how it goes. How many avoidants walk this earth christ
Yes my wife does similar things to me when I do that with her. I can also think back to times where I’ve been overly defensive about things I’m insecure about. But none of those were related to women wanting to be with me.
People who recommend negging are evil.
People who recommend looksmaxxing are quite morally questionable because they’re trying to turn dating into a socially darwinistic battle royale, which i guess is in response to the proliferation of dating apps, which they perceive as a socially darwinistic battle royale, in roughly their own words. They also outright lie - no, not everyone likes hunter eyes or sunken cheekbones, tallness, even skinniness, or bulky muscles. This feels like a war against human diversity. And in many cases they pretend these looksmaxxed features just naturally appear when you lead the perfect masculine routine of icebaths, red meat meals and frequent workouts. Which is a lie. (I think stuff like this is why there are articles saying ‘exercise culture is fascist’)
But back to negging: not only is this encouraged by a plurality of random young people online, but it’s weirdly also pushed hard by hollywood & american television - anyone else noticed that?
And negging is ALSO endorsed by, that’s right, none other than Jeffrey Epstein. He had a bunch pf emails going “wow, dude, your negging advice totally works! She wants me more than ever!” So yes, it’s safe to say it’s actually evil. Part and parcel of training people to objectify their partners (so is looksmaxxing, because to objectify yourself usually causes you to objectify your partner)
Rant over.
I think stuff like this is why there are articles saying ‘exercise culture is fascist’
Probably plays a part of it, but the main reason why is because fascism has always been obsessed with aesthetics, individualism, and the concept of übermenschen. Much of our modern health & wellness industry is focused more on aesthetics than actual health outcomes. A lot of it can be traced directly back to the eugenics movement in the 1920s.
Shit, probably the best dating perspective on this greentext community in a long time.
A LOT of guys here would pretty much say “Yea, it’s bad, but that’s just how human brains work, we are wired a certain way, heard mentality, blah blah blah.” and that shit does not sound right. Glad you are combating that
Also yea, fuck negging
A LOT of guys here would pretty much say “Yea, it’s bad, but that’s just how human brains work, we are wired a certain way, heard mentality, blah blah blah.” and that shit does not sound right. Glad you are combating that
What I never get about this is…does not your very existence refute this argument? If you’re a 20-something male and convinced that your genetics just doom you forever to celibacy…how exactly do you explain your own existence? Unless you are the result of a rape, you, by definition, have the genes necessary to attract a partner. After all, everyone in your family line prior to you managed to do it. If your genes were so incredibly bad that literally no one would want you as a partner, then your parents would have never gotten together, and you wouldn’t exist.
No one springs forth fully formed from the brow of Zeus. The very existence of an incel disproves incel theology.
What the hell is negging?
Saying shitty things to people to make them feel bad about themselves so they will lower their standards enough to fuck you. The kind of thing only an incel could come up with.
Not quite. Negging requires you to say something nice while saying something mean. Negging isn’t just “You’re too ugly to fuck”. It’s balancing compliments with negative connotations to build and break down someone at the same time.
“You have really pretty eyes for someone with hair like that”
“Wow, your workout routine seems really intense for something who looks like they barely eat”
“I love your makeup! I bet it took you hours to cover what’s underneath”
Basically, negging is using backhanded compliments to make someone feel good while also trying to tear them down. You say something nice that makes them feel good, but then say something that makes them feel self-conscious about something else. Very effective narcissistic tactic if used properly which is why the manosphere promotes it. If someone with limited self confidence is met with negging, sometimes they tend to lean into the compliment and use that as a drip of self confidence that they may not get and lean into the person saying it, regardless of the negative addition to it.
I feel way too compelled to share. I got hit by teenage urges really hard. A girl I was into teased me only to reveal later that she thought I was weird, which I found out through friends. It felt crushing. I became a bit of an incel, but I eventually made a friend of the opposite sex. I deliberately shifted focus from desperation to simply existing in the moment. Someone enjoyed my presence sincerely and it repaired some of that shame weighing me down. I eventually met my would be wife and treated her like a friend until it was more than that.
Second-to-last line sounds like she introduces her boyfriend to anon. But anon seems happy about that, so good for them!
Anon is a homewrecker and stealing the girls boyfriend is all part of his master plan to be fake and gay
what if the whole thing of turning insecure and mentally challenged men into the worst they could be was an elaborate ruse form the start ? to reduce the amount of competition
It is an elaborate ruse. But not to reduce competition, it’s to just turn young men into angry unstable individuals which can be used for nefarious purposes. We have literal evidence of it happening with Gamergate and there’s some evidence those young men may have just helped get Donald Trump elected in his first term.
When people are angry and lonely they can be easily coopted for stuff, you just offer them a community and an outlet for their rage and they are yours to do as you want.
Its always confounded me that, somewhere along the line, Simping:Spending time and money to let a stranger on the internet know you think she’s pretty and you likely see romance as transactional, got conflated with “Simping”: having the guts and sincerity to compliment a woman in-person, without reservation or expectation of reward.
Like, what? How did that become a thing?
Extreme insecurity is a terrifying thing, so withholding and abusing as a form of control to distance yourself from the parts of yourself that are insecure is the “solution.” Then they stay in social spaces where it’s standard practice to reinforce this nonsense and bob’s your uncle, you’ve got an incel.
Figuring out how to be comfortable around people in a way that doesn’t isolate you is a simple idea to vocalize, but a pretty massive undertaking.
Wait. You mean to tell me treating a woman as a human instead of a prize to be had works better?
No fucking way.
