When I’m frustrated or anxious or upset, I vent to the few friends I have. This is a negative coping mechanism as it damages our relationships. I also experience extreme remorse after doing so, which further perpetuates it because I’m constantly asking to be forgiven.
Earlier this year I tried to see a therapist and ask for advice on this. She dismissed me and said that it’s ok to do that and you can’t simply keep everything inside.
She was incorrect and was also a shitty therapist for various reasons (she was 15-30 minutes late to each session and just dismissed anything I said).
I’m hopefully trying again with a new therapist soon, but I need advice in the meantime. It is actively damaging my relationships.
“Journaling” is not an option because I can’t stop what I’m doing at work to go journal something whenever the need arises.
Thanks all. I can delete on request if needed.
“Journaling” is not an option because I can’t stop what I’m doing at work to go journal something whenever the need arises.
I don’t quite understand this point. Do you stop what your doing at work in order to vent to your friends?
If not,it seems like you could wait until after work to journal.
I work with my one and only IRL friend. The other friends are online. So I vent to my IRL friend while we are working.
Plus writing stuff down doesn’t seem to help me anyway.
Oh okay.
Well, I don’t know the answer. Sounds like you’re going to have to find some way to internalize the feelings and engage some coping mechanisms, so that you can file it away emotionally.
Maybe some breathing exercises, or taking a brief moment to meditate quietly in your chair. Or talk it out with your internal voice, which I think is what I do.
My suggestion is to get away from people, if even for 5 minutes. Go outside, go up or down in an inside stairwell that never gets used (think fire exit), or an unused room (supply, conference) and just say something like “what the actual fuck!”. Take a deep breath and remember, that people who piss you off are just stupid people. And they will do it again. I vent at home alone, talking to myself. That way no one gets subjected to my toxic mood and I feel better. It also helps me process what the stupid people were trying to do, and why their parents wasted so much DNA. And enables me to decide how and if I want to react in the future. Talking to your friends long after the incident is a much healthier situation because you, and they (if they were present), are calmer and you can have a discussion as opposed to a venting/bitching session. Also, keep this in the back of your mind, “is there a solution to this issue?”. The other way to vent with friends is to just ask, “can I vent for 5 minutes?”, and then literally set a timer if they agree. And be sure to give them 5 minutes of your time to vent. Try very hard not to do this daily with people. Seeing a better therapist is a very good idea, They should be able to give you tools to cope. If they can’t, find someone better. Good luck.
Finding a better therapist would help. Also finding the right people to vent to. Some people handle it better than others. You can try even saying, “hey, I’m not looking for advice, I just need to vent, would you mind being an ear?” at least that way you have their permission and they understand that they aren’t expected to fix whatever the issue is. Controlling who you vent to is also a good way to prevent venting to the wrong asshole who can’t shut their mouth.
I know you said no Journaling, but also consider a journal app on your phone or even just a Google docs. It’s a discreet way to vent briefly. I remember also taking a pen and a notebook and writing how I felt over the same line over and over so it wasn’t legible to anybody walking by. It’s likely something you’ll never read again and it’s about letting out the frustration more than anything.
Basically for me?
I stopped doing it because there’s no-one to do it to anymore. They got tired and left.
i have one of those spongy yellow smiley balls to whom i vent. it just grins away and doesn’t react otherwise. that leaves me relieved and calm to move on.
as an aside, it’s also a helpful sounding board when i try and explain a problem. i should really give it the name “but why not?”
the people who sell them do not know how accurate the term “stress ball” is for the product.
I really don’t have much of an answer as I do this too, but I eventually forced myself to stop texting friends to vent and I kinda just vent to no one at all. I’m generally really really hard on myself, like I pretty much loathe who I am, so maybe it’s kinda “easy” for me to not text them anymore because I pretty much just started saying to myself “who the fuck cares what you have to say, you’re just bothering people.” to get myself to stop before I text.
Now I just “bitch” out loud to myself, not yelling or anything really if anything it’s muttering, but it does help to just let it out and move on.
I don’t know if you’re in a situation where that would make you look crazy or not lol I work in a factory with a bunch of angry people so it’s not all that uncommon to hear someone complaining to no one.
Me reading your comment:
I was once taught a technique for another problem I had. It worked well for me and could be applicable, so I’ll share:
I was told to imagine a large heavy box that can be locked. It’s helpful to imagine it in detail and make it your own. When a situation comes that would make me have the problem - in your case, something happens that makes you feel like oversharing - put it in the box and lock it.
It’s there in the box and you don’t have to deal with it right now, it’s going to wait for when you have time to deal with it in a healthy way.
Now the important part: find a time in the day when you feel comfortable, just a few peaceful minutes for yourself that you can have regularly every day. Make a coffee, sit down - anything that makes you feel alright.
Every day, in the designated you-time, open the box and take a look inside. Go back to what you’ve locked in there and evaluate. Now you have time to deal with it. Is it something that needs solving? Is it something that makes you feel certain way? Is it as big of a deal as it was when you locked it in?
Now you have time to really deal with the thing that made you upset. You will be better equipped to deal with it in the designated time when you feel alright and can focus on it. Often (though not always) you’ll find the thing shrank or disappeared completely during it’s stay in the box.
I appreciate this strategy, thanks for sharing.
I do the same. I bitch about work a lot and i really need to stop because i know it makes it hard for my coworkers to stay positive. They hired all new leadership last year and it really really sucks! I don’t understand how other people aren’t also anxious and furious all the time. I’ve tried to avoid talking with coworkers about it and now i vent here.
Once I got deep into a hobby I felt less need to share anymore. Gives me something to focus on and feels separate from the grind. Perhaps your life needs more balance?
If at all possible, I would recommend you try to find a venting mechanism at work. Even if you can only let out 80% of what’s bottled up.
For me, identifying people I trust and can vent to has always been crucial when joining a new workplace. I consider myself lucky I managed to find that numerous times at clients as a consultant and now even have a manager I can vent to. Mental safety is super important at work and for me that means being able to vent sometimes. I still struggle with letting it slip out in the wrong contexts but I’m getting better.
*Not a therapist
I have been guilty of this myself. I found that just saying it aloud helps. Unless you are actively seeking advice from someone you might try voicing it aloud or if you need a human element, you could try talking to a mirror. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but exercise can also help. Not sure what your work situation looks like but if it’s an office environment maybe take a lap around the cube farm or something similar. Hope it helps. Best of luck to ya, I’m rooting for ya.
