When I talk to myself, sometimes I call myself my dead name, or my gender I don’t associate myself with. I am self-aware enough to know I’ve associated myself as male and [name] for thirty-seven years, but it annoys me I haven’t made that connection in my brain somewhere that yes, I’m a girl, my name is Eshe. I feel it in my soul, so why is my brain being such an ass?

  • Ada@lemmy.blahaj.zoneM
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    31
    ·
    1 year ago

    so why is my brain being such an ass?

    Because society has spent 37 years training you to doubt yourself and deny who you are, even to yourself. You don’t just wake up one day and have that go away. It’s an ongoing work to undo lifelong indoctrination. Give yourself permission to go easy on yourself whilst you do the work.

    You will get there though :)

  • Remy Rose@lemmy.one
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    14
    ·
    1 year ago

    The only times you have an opportunity to deadname or misgender yourself is when you’re referring to yourself in the third person. When you do that, it’s usually because you’re thinking from the perspective of someone else, right?

    At least for myself, I’ve noticed a correlation between how other people (on average) are referring to me and how I am mentally referring to myself. I don’t think misgendering/deadnaming yourself is reflective of how you see you, it’s reflective of how you think the world sees you.

    That’s just my hypothesis though, could be wrong.

  • Turbo@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    13
    ·
    1 year ago

    I’m sure it’s normal as brain plasticity takes time to reshape the neuron pathways and memory links. Give your brain and inner voice some time to get to know your new self and it will come.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself!

    Cheers!

  • lolola@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    13
    ·
    1 year ago

    I’ve done that a handful of times. It’s only happened when I’ve been on full mental autopilot and totally distracted with other things.

    The more frustrating part about it is that my acquaintances notice and figure if I slip up, then it’s more okay if they slip up from time to time too. And yeah, I try not to give people too much grief if they make mistakes, but, like… Please try not to make mistakes.

  • Spuddaccino@reddthat.com
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    12
    ·
    1 year ago

    This doesn’t strike me as odd in the slightest. When you go out into a crowded room with a lot of conversations going on, your brain will filter out a lot of it, but there is one thing you’ll always always always hear, and that’s your name. Your ‘name’ includes anything used to refer to you, like nicknames or pronouns.

    Your brain develops special circuitry to recognize your name, and it strengthens with use. It’s almost like a reflex.

    I don’t know how long you’ve gone by “Eshe,” but it will be a long time before your brain develops those same shortcuts, if it ever does, and the old ones may never go away entirely.

    • EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOP
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      5
      ·
      1 year ago

      It’s been little over a week lol. I kinda know I’m jumping the gun a bit, I just want my brain to get on to the same page that I just wanna be me, dammit.

  • BlueSharkEnjoyer@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    9
    ·
    1 year ago

    Yes, it took me maybe 6-12 months after I was out to stop doing it.

    Still happens rarely, usually for phrases that are gendered that I’d not be using often.

  • jahtnamas@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    9
    ·
    1 year ago

    popping in again just to say i’ve been misgendering myself in my head since i figured myself out almost 2 years ago. It’s So Normal.

  • audiomodder@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    7
    ·
    1 year ago

    Very normal. I’ve been using they/them for more than a year. I don’t normally misgender myself anymore, but I’ve been around family for the past week and they constantly misgender me. I’ve found that I’ve been misgendering myself more too because of it.

  • ass_destroyer@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    6
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    LPT I avoid deadnaming myself by using my birth name but changing the spelling lol.

    But yes even after a few years I still misgender myself sometimes. It happens unfortunately 😕

  • JackbyDev@programming.dev
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    6
    ·
    1 year ago

    It seems normal to call yourself something accidentally that you called yourself for years. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking it means something it doesn’t. It’s just an old habit. It doesn’t make you someone you’re not. ♥️

  • violetraven@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    5
    ·
    1 year ago

    Hi, Eshe. Trans’d at 36, 39 now, didn’t feel my “default” idea of self and gendering set until this past year roughly. Not sure if it was time or surgery that flipped that switch though.

  • JoYo@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    5
    ·
    1 year ago

    I’m cis but I’ll even catch myself calling myself different names.