I like reminding my single friends that 73% of Americans are considered overweight. 41% are obese.

A shocking amount of my male friends are overweight or obese and refuse to date overweight women.

Not my menstrual cup!

If this article is to be believed, you’re safe.

I hope this includes the ones I import to the US because I can’t live without my gold.

I’ll never forgive Starbucks for what they did to Teavana!

That aside, I think anybody who ever tasted a triangle bag tea knows they’re bad for you. They taste awful! Like plastic! I’m shocked they’re still for sale.

They already exist? I’ve never heard of them.

The expression on the security guard on the right is hilarious to me.

Hey I’m am Xennial and I’m also allergic to bananas!

Someone should do a study.

My wifi is Roll for Perception. My laptop is Roll Iniative.

Because the laptop is a mimic. If you can see it, you’re in biting distance.

You all laugh, but this is a rare artifact known only to those of us allergic to corn.

This is the corny hand grenade of Antioch, and if you throw it at a person allergic to corn, we simply vanish from this plane.

Jokes on you tho. If you do that, you’ll miss out on my killer loot.

I want to understand, intrinsically, and be able to manipulate to my liking, all the financial systems of the world.

At worst, I’d quickly become a well-paid accountant. At best, I’d become an extremely talented, untraceable, modern Robin Hood.

We can put a comfy sports bra on underneath so we don’t have to deal with the bouncing when we run away.

I’m like the whitest woman I’ve ever met. Maybe if a bunch of us make posters with glitter paint like we’re going to see a boy band and shower him with bras, our odds will go up both that he’ll get one and keep it long enough, and that they’ll assume we’re “harmless.”

…actually if we did the first part we could probably overwhelm them and free him.

It’s so crazy how it looks like they want to double-team you but they are legitimately just good friends and it isn’t a weird homophobic thing.

I’m pretty sure that’s not even the same guy.

Same. It’s the same kind of vibe as “everybody poops.”

I was thinking of that guy who raped her multiple times and had HIV. I really need that guy to have more than “some time to think about what you’ve done” because he’d probably jerk off to it. :(

Normally I’m 100% for this, it’s just that this particular case seems so evil and egregious…

Is it? You didn’t use any.

I’m still referring to my need to steal everything that is not both nailed down and on fire.

…nailed down or on fire is fine.