I think I’m struggling a bit on my self acceptance.
For example, I know that HRT is something I want. But I’m not ready for it right now. I have this strong desire to start it and start a more noticeable transition, but after looking more into it I got scared and dysphoric almost about the whole thing?
I have moments where I’m confident and want to move forward but also moments where I’m scared and it feels like too much.
Plus I feel like I’m running out the clock on my transition. I’m almost 30 and only came out to myself and my wife a month ago. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life already in the wrong body and I feel like I need to play catch up almost.
I guess I’m wondering if these are common feelings people have when first starting off? Knowing that you want something for your transition but just not being ready yet. And this weird sense of time slipping away even faster than before? Almost like a mid life crisis… like a beginning transition crisis, lol
Just something I’ve been conflicted over the past week that I thought I would share with y’all. ❤️
Yeah, I felt this way when I was 32. Felt like the realization that I was trans just slapped me in the face and I knew I’d regret not doing it but also so very terrified. I kept looking at r/transtimelines and seeing the dead looks in most of the before pictures and seeing how they lit up after. I also read some advice somewhere that every step along the way is reversible, up to a point. You can go see a therapist that deals with gender questions. You can go see an endocrinologist. You can walk out of there with a prescription, but you don’t have to fill it. You can get it filled, but you don’t have to take it. You can take it but you don’t have to keep taking it. You won’t notice anything for a month or so, so you can feel it out and see what you think.
What really helped me was going to the nearest accepting city (Asheville, NC) and just living the entire visit as my chosen gender. We stayed on a skoolie with a hot tub outside and it was a wonderful trip. I also got all dressed up and spent the day in my hammock on mushrooms and did a lot of soul searching. Everytime I asked myself if I was happy with what I was doing, I felt like I was hugging myself back with gratitude for finally letting Eliza have a chance. That feeling has stuck with me ever since.
And yeah, I started at 33, you’re not running out of time. I do wish I realized earlier, but you only get one shot at this life thing and you might as well start living for yourself today.
That’s a really good way of putting it. The realization of being trans hit like a ton of bricks even though looking back, a part of me always knew? I just did everything I could to hide from it.
Maybe I’ll take a trip to Asheville sometime. I’m not too far from there and presenting as my true gender without fearing (too much) ridicule sounds… Freeing.
I live in rural Indiana in a small ass town so I feel like I need to hide under multiple layers of masculinity to even appear in public 😔
You’re right. We only have one shot at life. And I need to stop regretting and looking forward.
If going to a city still seems to hard, maybe going to something like ren fest or a convention dresses as a character would be an easier step. Did that recently where my brother (who I’m out to) and I dressed as characters who are brother and sister. Didn’t really have any bad experiences (some people clearly thought it was funny I was dressed as a girl but they weren’t being malicious). Also had stranger ask me what I did for boobs, which was kinda weird but they just were curious (bra + small cheap breast forms). Otoh, I had a mom ask for her daughter if her daughter could take a picture with me and most people were just like “hey, it’s [character’s name]!”
That’s a really good idea! I didn’t even think of that. Can I ask who you went as? 😁
Nezuko. Brother already had a Tanjiro costume from the previous year. Cousin was gonna go as Rengoku, but couldn’t get a costume in his size. TBF, my costume wasn’t exactly a good fit either (I decided to wear leggings to compensate for the lack of length). My sister’s friend and my sister (whom I’m not exactly out to nor did I warn them who I was gonna dress as) briaded my wig’s hair while we were there.
Ooo that’s from demon slayer right? I haven’t seen it yet, but heard it’s really good :)
That’s great that they braided your hair. Even though it was a wig :P sounds like they may be open minded ❤️