I’m in my late 20s now and I feel so much despair.
I think a huge factor that shaped my world is my breakup almost 3 years ago. I had dated several people, actually more than several, before then.
I feel like people think I am delusional when I say this, but he was genuinely the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t understand how it’s possible for someone to have actually cared about me to the extent he did. At times I felt like he actually cared about me more than my own mom did. It wasn’t just that, he was intelligent and hilarious too and we had a lot in common.
Unfortunately I wasn’t good enough for him and he didn’t want to continue the relationship. This basically fundamentally broke me.
I had my share of heartbreaks before, but even when I met him, I was basically at my breaking point with love. I remember telling myself this was my last try (because I was so done). To this day I literally have no idea how I could have so much in common with someone. It’s like we completely agreed on almost every aspect in life. Did he just lie to me or agree with everything I said or something?
Apparently he has also had random acquaintances tell him he’s a breath of fresh air and so nice to be around compared to most people, so it’s not just me.
I really don’t know what to do other than cry about losing him. I’ve tried so hard to find happiness for myself but how could I let something like that go?
My life hasn’t gotten any better since then and I honestly think I am hopeless. Genuinely.
Literally everyone pales in comparison to what I had with him. Even though what I had clearly wasn’t real, because ultimately he clearly didn’t feel the same about me since he chose to leave. It felt real to me, talking to him is the most enjoyable thing I had experienced in my life.
This all sounds extremely sad and pathetic but really what am I supposed to do? I bet most people haven’t even come close to meeting someone like him so they can’t relate to this at all. I am going to sound insane again but I think he is some prodigy or something. Like one of those one in a million once in a lifetime people that most won’t even get the chance to meet.
From what you’ve seen, do you think people are happier in certain parts of the world?
Even if they’re interested in the same things that doesn’t help me become friends with them if their outlook on everything else is completely different. They are also super racist. They think “English speakers” are like a different breed or something, and I know this because I understand both languages and they tend to talk crap after every interaction with an “English speaker” aka foreigner aka anyone that didn’t grow up here.
It’s even worse for me because I’m technically “from” the country but I can’t hide it because of my name. So everyone hates me even more than an “English speaker” because they view me as a traitor who left the country and I can’t even speak their language without an accent, the horror. If it weren’t for my name I would just pretend I only speak English and my life would be way easier this way.
Literally every single time I’ve spoken to someone that grew up here for more than 1 second (ordering a sandwich) one of the first things they talk about is how much they hate America and how much better everything here in this country is (hint: they have no idea what they’re missing cause they’ve never left the country). They also always comment on my accent and how much I “suck” at the language because I’ve literally never had to use it but am still able to speak it so sometimes it takes me a second or two to remember a word I never use. Then they tell me I will never be accepted into society or get a job here unless I take language lessons.
At this point I just want to leave this awful country where everyone treats me like garbage. The language isn’t worth perfecting or learning for me and I have zero desire to live here. The only jobs that pay any living wage are in IT, and I still wouldn’t want to have my colleagues be… the way that they are.
As for volunteering, the hospitals look like actual abandoned backalley nightmarefuel depictions. There nowhere else to volunteer cause we don’t have social services.
I have noticed that certain places seem to be easier / harder to live in. Many of my friends from South America love it there, but some find themselves in very difficult situations. I have found that my European and American acquaintances never face situations quite as dire. Except in America when it comes to healthcare and then even the most well off person can get wrecked.
I grew up relatively poor in America, but I was lucky. I grew up in a relatively safe working class area, our schools were in disrepair and underfunded but we had teachers that cared. It would have been very easy for me to fail, but on the other hand it was extremely possible to succeed. I think for many of my fellow countryman the math has certainly changed and there are a lot of people even in the US that are living through huge amounts of suffering.
It’s true what you say that even if someone is interested in the same things they might not have the same outlook as you. I’d hope you could bond over a mutual shared interest over time but the situation of feeling like an outcast (for lack of a better term) where you live must be quite difficult and is not something I can relate too.
I’m curious about where you are, do people eventually warm up? It’s unfair to have to put effort into making a connection with someone that’s initial reaction is to be mean to you, so I’m not saying you should have to do that, but I’m just curious how deep their initial reactions go. In any event it sounds like a very difficult situation for you and one that I don’t have much experience navigating.
I don’t know your interests but you could find some outlet on something like Discord. They have a lot of different kinds of communities for different interests where people chat and spend time together. It might be a good way to get to spend some amount of time with people that you could forge a connection with.
They are able to be “fake nice” if that counts as warming up. Honestly I can’t put up with their blunt, callous, rude and egotistical behaviour for long enough to get to anything “more”. Like what more could there be with someone like that? Most people I know here have many acquaintances but not really any true close friends. Not to mention the stories I hear about friend group drama and cheating. Like really I’d rather stay away from all of this. Also in the culture here it’s very common for the woman to be as fake as possible and try to be a golddigger for some really gross guy. It’s especially cringe because they all dress and do their hair in the exact same way which I think is tacky af. They’re just very vain and I feel so uncomfortable around them because I can tell they’re “sizing me up” and view me as beneath them cause I don’t wear high heels 24/7, and spend my entire paycheck on extensions, fake nails and the newest iphone. I’m sure there are exceptions, and it MIGHT be possible to find someone nice, who isn’t extremely racist, but I don’t think I can endure the pile of crap that I have to sift through to find that. I think most people who wanted a brighter future left this place long ago. I genuinely have no idea why anyone would stay here, unless they’re ignorant af. The constant smoking, pollution, aggression, toxic masculinity… they call any woman over the age of like 23 an “auntie” (a special derogatory word for it) and this is unironically. Men here absolutely despise women and treat them like garbage for the most part. I’m sorry but this place is a literal shithole and I feel like most people who disagree are lying to themselves. Not to mention most people get extremely defensive (and aggressive) if you dare say anything bad about the country online, and I feel like that says a lot too. The overall mentality of people here is the same in every aspect of life. They can’t accept feedback, they can’t view things from others perspectives. It’s just their way or the highway. Also they immediately resort to aggression or violence for pretty much anything. Sorry this turned into a vent. The only good thing about living here is that I don’t have to worry about paying rent, which takes a lot of pressure off of me, but there is nothing else enjoyable about it.
Honestly I really did try to use discord. I tried searching up so many different communities for my interests and they just aren’t active at all. They maybe have like 5-10 active users and they’re all significantly younger than me. I feel like I’m just cursed.
That sounds pretty terrible. Venting can help sometimes so I say vent away (the amount of rants I’ve gone on in my day is something).
I’m going to give you some crappy advice that is going to suck, but it’s something anyways.
The opposite of despair is not happiness, it’s not love, it’s hope. Despair is the loss of hope. I think you have many legitimate reasons to feel despair.
Now you have to ask yourself a difficult question, what do you want for your life? I’m going to let you know that in this situation, despair has a good chance of winning if you just see what happens. Despair has a chance of winning if you fight.
I struggled with alcohol when I was younger. I remember having to have a similar dialogue with myself. I remember thinking that alcohol was going to win and for some reason or another that made me upset. I’m a competitive person I suppose, and so the idea that I would lose to a chemical made me think. Alcohol winning the contest of what I was going to do that evening started off inevitable. And if I had done nothing alcohol would have won my entire life by now. I remember feeling a deep sense of despair and shame, I was the one actually pouring it into my mouth after all.
I remember thinking one day, what do I want out of life? It was easy when I thought about what I wanted that evening for alcohol to win, but at a long enough timescale no one is thinking “I’d like to die young from complications from alcohol abuse.” So it was easy for me to win when I thought bigger.
And I thought about the things I hoped to accomplish and I realized that I would have to really fundamentally change my life to make those happen. And then I dedicated myself to that task. It was not a miraculous one day event. It took time and effort and I had set backs, but today I’m winning and not the alcohol.
Despair though almost got me. It’s like freezing to death in a way, you can feel the peril you are in but in a strange way it’s comfortable. Getting out of the cold feels impossible and you are tired and it would just be easier to close your eyes and give in.
It was only when I told myself that I refused to give up that I could start making a plan to get out of the cold.
I don’t know what getting out of the cold looks like for you. Maybe it’s getting out of the city you are in, maybe the country. Maybe it’s finding people that aren’t awful, where ever they might be. Maybe it’s finding peace inside yourself and joy from within.
The thing that makes me hopeful is that someone who has given up wouldn’t make this post in the first place. They wouldn’t read the replies. They wouldn’t vent. There is a spark in you yet that is telling you not to lay down in the snow and close your eyes.