I really struggle to make friends and being an adult trying to make friends is even worse than when I was a kid in school.
It appeared that I had made a friend but they turned out to be kinda toxic. I made mistakes too but I never tried to hurt them or manipulate them. They’ve made me feel like they’re embarrassed to know me. Like our friendship had to be a secret.
Now, I finally managed piss them off that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. Part of me is glad but part of me feels lonely. Very lonely.
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now and we are waiting for her to finish school next spring before we move in together. It’s difficult for me to think that’s really going to happen. She reassures me often that it will.
I should be happy with that but nothing beats seeing a friend face-to-face regularly and talking to each other.
I feel sad and lonely and selfish. I don’t want to hurt myself but I do kinda wish I was dead.
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well, truth is that most people suck. Like, objectively suck.
Then, the ones that don’t objectively suck may well subjectively suck. Like, they can be overall great people, but maybe they have a voice that grates on your ears, even though it doesn’t bother anyone else, or some minor thing like that.
Then, the ones that don’t subjectively suck may not have room in their life to have another bricks friend, or you subjectively suck for them.
Friendship is all about compatibility and time. You have to have enough compatibility to get along well enough to keep each other’s company. That’s how you build up the shared experience and bond. But it’s just as hard as finding a spouse in a lot of ways. A truly great friend is someone you’ll want in your life forever. That may only come along once in your life at all, and it’s still possible for it to not work out.
Now, it’s a bit easier to find friendly acquaintances. There may not be the depth and breadth of real friendship, but it’s people you can enjoy the company of in limited ways. Maybe it’s a hobby based connection, or bar buddies (pub pals) where you share a location. That kind of thing can turn into friendship, but rarely does.
Thing is, there’s a tendency to think of friends in unrealistic terms, much the same way it can be for spouses or partners. We have to learn what those things mean, and that learning gets skewed by fiction. Because of that, and how long fictional representation of friendship has been going on, we don’t always have good real life examples to compare. My generation, we grew up on TV, and our parents didn’t always have good friends to show us what friendship really is as opposed to the kind of imaginary examples we’d have from Starsky and Hutch type of examples.
Hell, there was a show called Friends, and it was so unrealistic and unrepresentative of how life actually is that it failed to be about what good friendship is. Not entirely, but more than it succeeded.
We’ve got a world where we can have hundreds of connections every day, and they’re still essentially meaningless because, as you said “nothing beats seeing a friend face to face regularly”.
But it isn’t selfish to want that. We all want that, even among the most misanthropic, there’s a basic human need for meaningful human contact. We’re a social animal.
The key to navigating all of that is to abandon preconceptions. Accept the many shades of what friendship can be when it isn’t the kind of deep and true friendship we all want.
I really do appreciate your response.
I have been limiting myself unconsciously - again - and ended up paying for it. I was so desperate for a friendship that I ignored some reddish flags and attempted to navigate them once they were obviously red.
Those negative voices that tell me I’m not good enough to have friends and that I’m unlovable won.
I didn’t mean to upset them so much but I’m glad I did. They were treating me like garbage at times and I am better than that.
Your points regarding the examples of friendship we have are spot on. I was running on a sort of autopilot that was programmed by poor parenting (I’m being generous here) and unrealistic media.
I have a lot of work to do on myself but I know that I can find people that I can bring into my life to some degree that will help me overcome that loneliness and maybe even help each other be better.
For my end of things, I found that shifting to focusing on understanding myself, living life, and being open to people possibly being friends ended up with more lasting friendships of any degree.
There’s a bit of magic in accepting one’s self, and accepting others with minimum preconceptions, and without expectations on them, without hoping they’ll meet expectations. It’s kind of a buddhist like thing; by letting go of the attachment to the idea of finding friends and what that means, it allows space for friendships to take root and grow.
I see what you mean.
I honestly need to work on slowing down - being more mindful. I have very bad ADHD and even with good medication, I struggle to stop and think before acting.
That definitely doesn’t help. The medicine helps but I have not been putting in the work often enough to be less reactive and random.
Also - I’ve made progress over the past few years in accepting myself. I still want to blame myself 100% for everything though and I still allow my desire to improve to feed the negative self-talk.
I appreciate your response and for reminding me of things that can help.
When I moved to a new city in 2014, after burying myself in work and burning out. I decided to try rock climbing. I searched online for groups and asked one if I could join. It was really hard pushing myself to do it, but I did it. And that’s where I made some of my first genuine friends, even after starting to climb, I remember going to a meetup at the gym and I made some more friends. It’s 10 years later and I’m still friends with them. I moved to a different country now and whenever I go back I visit them.
So my suggestion is find a social sport like climbing and go (and yeah, it’s social, you spend quite a lot of time chatting while someone is belaying someone else).
I used to use Meetup and I should get back onto it and see what’s going on around me.
I definitely want and need to socialize and feel like a part of something that isn’t work.
Rey and do stuff with the intention of doing the thing, and not meeting people, the meeting people is just a bonus that comes from it. That way it gives you something external you enjoy that allows you to meet people while doing it.
Very true. Now, I need to figure out what I like to do and find groups that do that.
I should check to see if I have MeetUp installed. I don’t use Meta products, so that’s kinda the go-to I’ve used.
Good luck out there. I know it’s hard but it’s worth the effort
On the friend front, join the Fraternal Order of the Eagles if there’s one in your area. Or the Rotary Club if you have some money and are more interested in improving the community than playing poker, and drinking beer. Or the Masons if you like pageantry and ceremony. It doesn’t matter what organization, as long as you like what they’re about. Heck, buy a Harley and join the Hell’s Angels if you’re all about power, money, and partying. Anyways, go join an organization.
On the girlfriend front, the surest way you can make that not happen is to keep harping on her about being scared she won’t. Clinging to people makes them want to get away. By all means, tell her how excited you are about it, and if it’s appropriate then tell her how important she is to you and how important it is that you guys are together, but don’t keep expressing doubt to her.
Good luck, we’re all counting on you!
It’s anecdotal, but I second the guy recommending in-person clubs. I was very much in the same boat this time last year. In the spring I mustered the social courage and reached out to a local LARP group.
The people I’ve met through that have been extremely welcoming and kind. I very quickly made friends and my mental health improved a lot.
ha same boat, long distance relationship and I don’t have any friends. It sucks. I don’t really have advice but maybe it’ll help you feel a bit less alone knowing someone (probably alot of ppl really) are going through this too
Never learned how to make friends and I’m all alone, people suck in general. Unfortunately having friends is mandatory to get laid so I’m double screwed.
I want to say this kindly–perhaps you’re joking or part joking when you say “people suck in general”–but I wonder if this is more of a reflection of your outlook than people in general. I mean, we’re internet strangers so I’m not exactly insulted by being one of the people out here who suck in general, but I’d like to think that if we crossed the chasm, and actually got to know each other, we’d see humanity and goodness in each other (without diminishing the reality of individual weaknesses, poor skills, and bad habits).
I’m not joking. And internet interaction doesn’t count
