I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
So, I’ve also been there. You’re not alone in this. You’re not broken or damaged. You’re ill. The problem is knowing what you “should” do and doing it are VERY different things. But I highly encourage you to do something. Literally anything. You don’t have to want it, you don’t have to like it. Just go take a walk. It just has to be 10mins. The application will not run away. You’re scared of the change. I know. It’s super scary. Your feelings are valid. The person you were is dead. Let them lie. The time is now. It’s always only now. Breathe.
Top 3 Tipps: shut down your pc and phone for a time each day. Move your body. Do something for yourself. Something you usually enjoy. Even if you don’t feel like enjoying it now. It can be so small: a bath, a nice cup of tea, make art, sing a few songs out loud, light a candle.
Good luck. Please report back
I did something. I did leave the house, went for a walk. While it seemed to do the trick today, I worry that I don’t apply or have mechanisms to cope with. I don’t want that every time when I’m feeling like this, I have to vent about it to kind sober strangers online. What if I don’t have wifi, or I smash my phone in a fit? Then what next for me?
Reporting back: now it’s bath time, I think it’ll calm me.
You know what really scared me when I was in those shoes? The realisation that I didn’t really “want” to get better. The miserable state I was in had gotten “comfortable” for me. Change is scary, es when changing from a bad place towards improvement.
Worrying isn’t getting you anywhere either, so here’s a destructive thought: what if you do cope? What if you do make changes for the better?