Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Maybe try checking to see if you can get battery level from upower? Mught just be an issue with the GUI.
upower -i /org/freedesktop/UPower/devices/battery_BAT0. The next step after that is using acpi calls and seeing if those are working properly. If you enter the command into the terminal you can find the line that says percentage.